Sweet Chaos

I was diagnosed with ADHD in 2021. By then I'd spent most of my life trying to work out why my brain did what it did: why I could be completely absorbed by an idea one minute and unable to start the simplest task the next, why I always had ten things I wanted to make or learn at once, why some things felt so loud.

The diagnosis gave me something I didn't expect, which was relief. I finally had words for things I'd been blaming myself for. Laziness. Forgetfulness. Being too much. Not being organized enough. A lot of it turned out to be my brain, not a character flaw.

It didn't make any of it disappear. I still live with it, and so does my family. Even deciding to try medication took me a while, because I had to let go of some assumptions first. Eventually I made peace with the idea that accepting help doesn't make my brain any less mine. I'm still figuring out what works.

Then, because apparently my brain thought it would be fun to add another layer, perimenopause showed up. My sleep isn't what it used to be. Some days I get pissed off at the smallest things. And I feel a bit depressed even though everything looks fine, which is a strange thing to feel when nothing is actually wrong. All of this in a world that already feels like someone left the volume turned up.

But the same brain also gives me the ideas, the curiosity, the sudden need to write something down before I lose it. It's why I started making candles, and why I want to travel and dance and change things, all while taking care of my daughter, my husband, my dog and my house.

I'm not trying to make the chaos sound pretty. It isn't, most days. But it's the same brain that overwhelms me and came up with this candle, so I can't really hate one half.

This one is for anyone whose brain never stops making connections, and who is learning to work with herself instead of trying to fix herself. Me included.