Do Not Disturb

I am very good at paying attention. My daughter needs something? I'm there. My husband wants to talk? I'm listening. The dog needs a walk? Obviously. The house needs something, someone needs something, something always needs doing.

And somehow I can be completely exhausted and still feel guilty when I decide I need a little time for myself. I wonder if I'm the only one.

There's a strange guilt that comes with closing the door. With not answering right away, with saying no, with deciding that for the next little while I don't want to be needed by anyone.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I give so much attention to everyone I love, but what about mine? I don't mean my productivity, or what I can get done, or what I can give. I mean just me. What happens when I stop looking outward for a minute and point some of that attention back at myself?

I'm learning that choosing myself isn't choosing against the people I love. It doesn't mean I love my daughter less, or that I'm a bad wife, or that the dog won't survive an hour without me. (He will.) It just means I exist in this family too, and my needs count too.

Maybe that's what a boundary really is. Not a wall, and not a punishment. A door, and sometimes I'm allowed to close it. No explanation, no guilt, no little speech about why I need it. Just a sign that says Do Not Disturb.

I'm still learning how to do this without feeling guilty. I'm getting better at it, and maybe that's enough for now.

This one is for closing the door, turning down the noise, and coming back to yourself.