Sacred Feminine

I've been thinking lately about how much of my life I've spent feeling everything. I don't think I know how to do anything halfway. I love hard, I care a lot, I get excited, I talk a lot, I worry a lot. I can be completely fine one minute and swallowed by a feeling the next.

I think I got some of that from my grandmother. She was a strong Bahian woman who never taught me to apologize for feeling things. If anything, she taught me to feel whatever there was to feel, and to do it out loud.

Then there's the ADHD, because apparently feeling everything wasn't enough and it needed some extra seasoning. Sometimes it feels like my life is permanently on CAPS LOCK. The excitement, the worry, the ideas, the frustration, the joy, all of it front and center, all the time.

And then came perimenopause. Mood swings used to run on a fairly predictable schedule. Now they seem to have their own calendar. I can wake up thinking life is absolutely beautiful and be crying by lunch. I can go to bed convinced everything is wrong and wake up grateful to be alive. Some mornings I honestly have to ask myself what happened overnight.

It's funny, until it isn't. Feeling deeply is one thing. Feeling like your emotions are running the show is another.

So, seriously for a minute: sometimes we need more help than candles, baths, exercise or a good night's sleep can give us. If your mood changes feel extreme, don't go away, or are getting in the way of your life, please talk to a doctor or another healthcare professional. There's no prize for handling everything alone.

What helps me most is moving. I teach dance and strength training, and some days I dance and feel like myself again. Other days I lift something heavy and the problem in my head suddenly looks a lot smaller.

The other thing I know I need is to turn the volume down. Close the door, stop answering, stop fixing, stop being available to everyone. That's easy to say and a lot harder when you're the woman with seventeen tabs open in her brain who somehow thinks she has to answer every one of them.

So I'm practicing. I'm learning that I don't have to react to every feeling just because I have it. I can notice it, let it sit there, and sometimes wait until tomorrow.

I don't think this chapter is teaching me to feel less. I'm still intense, and I like that about myself. I'm just learning when to turn the volume up and when to turn it down.

This one is for the women who feel everything, and for remembering that sometimes the most sacred thing you can do is press pause.